I'm back and I'm ready...

To my fellow believers..

I am back at it again. Sad to say, but I am actually looking forward to the efforts this time around. Does that sound ridiculous? I don't! I was proud of myself while I was away. I had determination, dedication, true effort and most importantly, true results. I pushed hard, worked out a lot and ate a lot less. I'm not too sure where or even how things got messy again. Being unable to post and missing out on the others posts truly took a tool on the efforts that I had previously dedicated. This makes me very frustrated with myself.

Thankfully I have found the distorted path that, quite frankly, I enjoy and hate all at the same time. I love the way I feel when I am able to stay focused and force control upon myself. I have always loved the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!" I do not think that any true human would deep down and true heartily disagree with that statement. And if they did, well, then it is clear they are not human!! 

I know myself. And many others would agree that, I am one to start something full force and allow for slow retract. For once, I want the will power to be about follow through with my plan, my goals, my wants and desires. It sounds so easy - but it is not easy at all! Things that I am starting to dread include: Calorie goals. Workout goals. Temptations. Disbelievers. Who wouldn't start to dread these things! It is overwhelming!!

Secret social networking sites are definitely going to be my friend this time around. Of course it is the new year and everyone is posting nutritional meals and everyone is dedicated to their weight loss goals.. at least for this month. I would like to how many of these people are still focused come March. I would bet that many will be nowhere near what they wished for themselves. That will NOT be me. Then again, this isn't just another New Year's resolution. When it comes to the calorie counting and workout obsessions, I know that it becomes overboard. Calculating each and every single bit, sip and even stare in food directions because highly obsessive and quite compulsive! But how else would I become accomplish. 

My shoes are tied tight, my pants feel too tight and I am ready for this rollercoaster that I know will become a complete whirlwind given time. I'm ready. I'm back. And this is going to be the be all and end all! I hope! So friends, who is behind me? Who will be here to pull me back up after a terrible binge day or the days that I have no desire to continue to my goal. I hope you are. I hope I can count on my other Ana believers. I have started my following in twitter, reading more blogs, ready more true life books and allowing myself for tips from all directions! Let's go! 

I'm ready.. 

The trials and tribulations of trying to have a normal life...

Hey Everyone!

I only have a few short time periods that I can blog for the next couple of days, so I thought that I would give a quick update as well as inform everyone of what I hope to achieve this weekend!

So, Wednesday morning, as usual, I walked to the bathroom and lifted my shirt to analyze every inch of my body. Pocking and prodding at different spot that I wished would get smaller but seems to not be budging, I realized that my stomach actually looked smaller and my side are starting to become closer together. I wanted to scream, "YESS!" And then instantly, my excitement depleted and all I could think about was how I needed to get smaller and this just wasn't good enough! How usual of me!  Ugh!!

I did so well throughout the day and I was so happy that I was resisting food so well until I got home. Home. The place that ruins my life. I need to start staying busy and not hang around the house where food is so accessible. I began to slightly binge on some leftover lasagna. It was the best tasting thing I have had in over two weeks and I just couldn't resist trying a bit. But one bit turned into six or seven and suddenly I knew I was going to force myself, face first, to the toilet. And the bathroom is where I kept myself for the next hour until I knew it was all gone. I felt like such a failure so I laced up my sneakers and went straight to the gym where I stayed until I felt like I was going to pass out. Later that night, I managed to work up enough energy to two another workout to make sure I burned off enough calories that I insisted on consuming earlier. As usual, I took my diet pill and lax for the day. Although things did not turn out the way I wanted, I felt a little better after the gym and my lax.

BUT!.. Here I am tonight, another binge! WTF! I don't know what the problem is with me. There have been my first two binges in almost three weeks, which is good news but they MUST stop! I had four bites of pasta salad, some soup and two pieces of bread. Oh, and a cookie! Shoot me! Once again, I found myself in the bathroom for an hour until my throat hurt so bad that I couldn't purge anymore. Tomorrow must be better!

Yes, tomorrow! Problems on the horizon already. Tomorrow is the last day that I will be with my roommates before I move back home. This mean, 'family' dinner! I know that I am not going to see them for a long time so I can afford to not eat much without much questioning or future investigation. I'm praying this goes well for me. I know that I will order a salad with fat free dressing as I always do when going out to eat. I am just glad that we are going out to eat rather than eating in. Eating in would me I would have to eat whatever they ordered or made, which is usually something super fattening. And to top it off, my co-workers are throwing a going away lunch for me as well. TWO meals in one day! There is no way I am going to be able to do this!

And the problems don't stop there. Saturday night, my friends are coming into town and we are all going out. Once again, this means eating out and having to force food down my face. The only things saving me in this situation is that I know my friend coming down is trying to diet so if she isn't eating much I can follow suit. But the calorie consumption of my drink are going to KILL me! This means a serious work out Saturday morning before they come to work out Fridays trash and get a jump start for Saturday. I am making them go to a club and I am going to dance all night. At least I can get some calories in there.

When I return home Sunday, my plan is to act hungover from the weekend and still full from my many nights out. I already told my mom not have a dinner Sunday because I figured I would be hungover and still full and she totally bought it! Unfortunately, I am stuck under her nose for the next two weeks to see every minute that I consume food. I have made tons of place for this next week all during dinner time. I am praying that will save me. The following week is a different story. It is our family vacation! OH NO! There is 18 people going so once again, I hope to manage different ways to distract the attention away from my not eating. I also told me mom that I wanted to do a quick diet before my senior year started and I can only consumer 500 calories a day for the week that we are at the beach and she once again totally bought it. She thought it was a good idea but she did throw in a, "But you have to have some of the good food we make every night." Looks like I will have to use my Ana tricks all week. We will see how things go.

These are my trials and tribulations of trying to have a normal life!

So, like I said, I don't know when I will be able to post next with me heading home and my friends coming to visit. Sometime after Sunday is what I am guessing! I hope people start commenting. I would love to hear some feedback or anything at all! Stay strong everyone!

I'm enlisting in the war of my life!

The title explains it all.. I'm officially enlisting in the war of my life!

I feel horrible that I haven't written in over four days! It feels like the only way to keep on track is to write a post every four hours! That would be definitely be overwhelming for my readers as well as hard for me to manage with my busy schedule. You would think that with so many things going on, I wouldn't constantly think about food. Boy, was I soooo wrong. I continuously feel like a failure when I make daily goals and shatter them with point intakes of random foods that on a regular wouldn't be tempting.

Some explanations of my failures might be easier to understand why I am freaking out. Friday night, my mother came to visit me for the weekend and at first I was extremely excited to see her! That was until we got to the restaurant where she wanted to eat and I could not find anything that would satisfy me and know that as soon as I finished eating whatever I chose, I wouldn't want to run directly to the bathroom. Finally, I found a salad but when it came, there was tons of turkey and cheese spread all across the plate! My thoughts bounced back and forth from, "yes, I can't wait to eat this", to, "how in the hell can I eat this without feel like a complete fat ass". I hate having these insane thoughts every time I have food in front of my face. Thankfully, The salad was the only thing I had eaten all day making me feel slightly better about the situation.

That leads to Saturday: An entire day with my mother, again! I love spending time with her and I enjoyed every second of the day Saturday except for, once again, when it came to ordering food. My insides were screaming, "NO MORE FOOD!" How could I get around not eating in front of my mother, in a restaurant, at dinner time. Seemed impossible. My intake for Saturday consisted of: Small dish of non-fat yogurt with fruit averaging 35 calories; (Now for the bad part) Small piece of Tilapia, steamed broccoli, and wild rice. Yeah, all of that doesn't not sound like much to the average person and to come might seem like an incredibly small amount to consume in one day. For me, I FELT LIKE A PIG! I especially felt like a pig when I completely finished my entire meal and almost wanted to lick my fingers at the end as well. Thankfully I didn't.

Sunday! Once again, my only intake was a small salad and a few bits of fruit. I felt good about myself that day. Things were great. The weekend was winding down and my mother didn't want to eat much either, which was perfect for me!

Sadly, I didn't get to exercise at all Friday through Sunday which  made me feel worse, again! However, my mom and I walked around the city for hours both Saturday and Sunday, in the heat. That is better than nothing. There were some calories burned! Life wasn't too bad!

I still feel like I am living a life in the battle field!

Monday and Today were stressful as well but I feel myself getting back on track. Monday was hard to make sure that I was keeping focused and making sure I wasn't consuming more than my daily goal. i ended up not working out, again, on Monday night but definitely made up for it tonight in the gym. I did cardio for 45 minutes, burning around 500+ calories. My only food intake for today was small fruit smoothie for lunch and a half cup of green bean for dinner. I was proud of my choices for the day. I could have gone without the smoothie but I think I can live with it considering my horrible weekend.

I am dieing to weight myself! I do not have a scale where I am living right now but I am returning home in four days. I know what I weighted before I moved here and I am praying that it is much less than that. I can feel my clothes starting to become much more loose. One pair of jean that I was unable to fit into are not just barely too big to call them perfect. I was soooo happy when I put them on Friday. It was almost like Christmas, like I was five again!

I know this post was pretty long and detailed but I really needed to get what happened down so I could look back and reflect on the weekend and the past few days. If anyone has advice on motivation when it comes to not eating, please do tell. I have tried all of the cliche thinspiration ideas and at times, some of those are impossible for the situation I am in. I can't look at a picture or snap a band on my wrist in front of my friends right before ordering a meal at a restaurant. I feel help! I have purchased a red bracelet, which is actually really helping! At work yesterday, I used a red pen to write a small 'a' on my hand to help remind me when I opened the refrigerator door.

My goals for the rest of the week are: Eat no more than 300 calories each day, obviously no sweets or fatty foods; work out every day, burning 500+ calories. I really hope that I can stick to this plan. Next week I am trying the 'Raw Diet'. I will only be able to eat raw vegetables and fruits. I truly believe that I can do it! Everyone, please keep me in my thoughts as I keep all of you in mine every day!

I hope to hear from some of you! You are all my inspiration as much as I hope to be some form of inspiration right back! I love you all! Stay strong!

P.S. Sorry for the length, but it feels sooo good to get it all out!

Nothing Tastes Better Than Being Thin...

First, I am extremely happy to welcome anyone and everyone to help guide and follow me through this experience, or as some may call it, my obsession with anorexia. I am very eager to establish friends and a support group through my new blog adventure. There are days when I struggle greatly with my way of life and would absolutely love others to guide me and provide me encouragement, as well as hope through my hardships.

I guess I should start by introducing myself. Currently, I am one month away from starting my senior year at Penn State University. As my final year in college approaches, I have accomplished so many things, most in which I do not give myself enough credit for. Being high strung and always trying to make every tiny aspect of my life perfect has definitely taken a toll on multiple aspects of my life. Throughout this blog adventure, I hope to finally unwrap each and every one of these complicated issues that torture my every day life. However, my issues with perfection is exactly where I developed my desire and 'thinspiration' for the perfect body.

With that, I start with my first question. What truly does depict a perfect body? Yes, some may say that it depends on the individuals and their own ideals. Professionals, parents, friends, etc. will tell you, "Everyone has different body types and structures. God loves you for you!" Personally, I think this is bogus! The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, how I look in the dreaded mirror! The mirror.. The devil! The mirror is my worse enemy but oddly enough, it has introduced me to my best friend, Ana!

Although, this experience is going to be completely emotional, heart breaking and extremely difficult at times, I am very excited to learn more, develop stronger self control, and overall, reach my thinspiration. Please, help me through this time, help me win! I long for my support and encouragement!  HELP!