I'm enlisting in the war of my life!

The title explains it all.. I'm officially enlisting in the war of my life!

I feel horrible that I haven't written in over four days! It feels like the only way to keep on track is to write a post every four hours! That would be definitely be overwhelming for my readers as well as hard for me to manage with my busy schedule. You would think that with so many things going on, I wouldn't constantly think about food. Boy, was I soooo wrong. I continuously feel like a failure when I make daily goals and shatter them with point intakes of random foods that on a regular wouldn't be tempting.

Some explanations of my failures might be easier to understand why I am freaking out. Friday night, my mother came to visit me for the weekend and at first I was extremely excited to see her! That was until we got to the restaurant where she wanted to eat and I could not find anything that would satisfy me and know that as soon as I finished eating whatever I chose, I wouldn't want to run directly to the bathroom. Finally, I found a salad but when it came, there was tons of turkey and cheese spread all across the plate! My thoughts bounced back and forth from, "yes, I can't wait to eat this", to, "how in the hell can I eat this without feel like a complete fat ass". I hate having these insane thoughts every time I have food in front of my face. Thankfully, The salad was the only thing I had eaten all day making me feel slightly better about the situation.

That leads to Saturday: An entire day with my mother, again! I love spending time with her and I enjoyed every second of the day Saturday except for, once again, when it came to ordering food. My insides were screaming, "NO MORE FOOD!" How could I get around not eating in front of my mother, in a restaurant, at dinner time. Seemed impossible. My intake for Saturday consisted of: Small dish of non-fat yogurt with fruit averaging 35 calories; (Now for the bad part) Small piece of Tilapia, steamed broccoli, and wild rice. Yeah, all of that doesn't not sound like much to the average person and to come might seem like an incredibly small amount to consume in one day. For me, I FELT LIKE A PIG! I especially felt like a pig when I completely finished my entire meal and almost wanted to lick my fingers at the end as well. Thankfully I didn't.

Sunday! Once again, my only intake was a small salad and a few bits of fruit. I felt good about myself that day. Things were great. The weekend was winding down and my mother didn't want to eat much either, which was perfect for me!

Sadly, I didn't get to exercise at all Friday through Sunday which  made me feel worse, again! However, my mom and I walked around the city for hours both Saturday and Sunday, in the heat. That is better than nothing. There were some calories burned! Life wasn't too bad!

I still feel like I am living a life in the battle field!

Monday and Today were stressful as well but I feel myself getting back on track. Monday was hard to make sure that I was keeping focused and making sure I wasn't consuming more than my daily goal. i ended up not working out, again, on Monday night but definitely made up for it tonight in the gym. I did cardio for 45 minutes, burning around 500+ calories. My only food intake for today was small fruit smoothie for lunch and a half cup of green bean for dinner. I was proud of my choices for the day. I could have gone without the smoothie but I think I can live with it considering my horrible weekend.

I am dieing to weight myself! I do not have a scale where I am living right now but I am returning home in four days. I know what I weighted before I moved here and I am praying that it is much less than that. I can feel my clothes starting to become much more loose. One pair of jean that I was unable to fit into are not just barely too big to call them perfect. I was soooo happy when I put them on Friday. It was almost like Christmas, like I was five again!

I know this post was pretty long and detailed but I really needed to get what happened down so I could look back and reflect on the weekend and the past few days. If anyone has advice on motivation when it comes to not eating, please do tell. I have tried all of the cliche thinspiration ideas and at times, some of those are impossible for the situation I am in. I can't look at a picture or snap a band on my wrist in front of my friends right before ordering a meal at a restaurant. I feel help! I have purchased a red bracelet, which is actually really helping! At work yesterday, I used a red pen to write a small 'a' on my hand to help remind me when I opened the refrigerator door.

My goals for the rest of the week are: Eat no more than 300 calories each day, obviously no sweets or fatty foods; work out every day, burning 500+ calories. I really hope that I can stick to this plan. Next week I am trying the 'Raw Diet'. I will only be able to eat raw vegetables and fruits. I truly believe that I can do it! Everyone, please keep me in my thoughts as I keep all of you in mine every day!

I hope to hear from some of you! You are all my inspiration as much as I hope to be some form of inspiration right back! I love you all! Stay strong!

P.S. Sorry for the length, but it feels sooo good to get it all out!